Backstory

backstory

I transitioned into my 20’s, as I’m sure most people did. I had a beer in one hand and my closest friends surrounding me as I rambled on about the amazing decade I had ahead. I didn’t think twice as I planned the upcoming, pivotal moments in my life. Confident that once I brushed off the hangover the next morning, I would be a step closer to the life I had always dreamed of.

Needless to say, the hangover lasted longer then expected and was not followed by a call from my future husband or employer. In fact, my life was the same – if not worse.

I spent days convincing myself that things would change, despite having no desire to make that happen. My motivation was short lived and I resumed living the life I always had, as a lost and confused teenager. I went to the same bar on the weekends and complained I wasn’t meeting anyone new. I ran home after class to get in a pre dinner nap and complained I didn’t have the proper college experience. I crammed homework into spare moments and often turned down new possibilities to dedicate my day to a Breaking Bad marathon.

I convinced myself I was still experiencing societies proclaimed, best years of my life.

Here I am – aged twenty-three. My life has made minor steps forward. I have a job I took out of desperation, a condo with a shoebox of bills and countless maybe I’ll laugh about it later, stories.

The twenties force you to step back and evaluate where you are in comparison to where you want to be. I was never able to do this as I was never able to set goals. My mind was constantly changing meaning ideas were disposable and the most insignificant decisions proved challenging. This held me back from finding my can’t eat, can’t sleep, passion.

My childhood defined perfection. It was the white picket fence storyline. An upper middle class family living in the suburbs. I have the ideal family, holding much resemblance to one of a 90’s sitcom. They’re supportive and encouraging of every decision I make. I have life long friends who know me better then I know myself. They’ve picked me up from my lowest, stood by me through the hardest and dusted off my mistakes with a nonchalant shrug.

High school proved challenging as it turned me into an angry, self-conscious teen. It took my ability to be myself, as I desperately wanted to fit in. I was never happy, or unhappy. I was simply coexisting with minds like mine. I lost who I was. I lost the joy of running to my mom’s car after the final bell. I lost the fun in playing tag and the people I played it with. I lost the innocence of sober movie nights and most importantly, I lost myself.

Soon after, I found myself immersed in the world that is college. I resorted to an easy program, as I had no idea what I wanted to do. I stayed in a dorm and embarked on the pizza for breakfast, drugs are a religion, I did what last night, journey.

Graduation was a bittersweet dread. A black cloak hung on my body while a man I’d never met congratulated me and a woman with a chalkboard voice wished me all the best in the future. No one spoke about the hard times ahead. No one told me the all nighters don’t stop when the ten page essays do. No one told me I’d crave the school hallway, the sense of routine, the day old poutine gravy and no one told me I was going to search for acknowledgment. Someone to pat me on the back and say good job. Someone to return an assignment, my mistakes etched with red pen. Instead, they told me good luck.

101 thoughts on “Backstory

  1. I’ve been toying around with getting serious about blogging and had an idea along the same lines as you. I did a google search and your blog was the first I clicked on. I just have to say, I get you! So refreshing to know that others are in the same boat as me.

    • That’s probably the greatest comment I’ve gotten. It took me awhile to realize others have to feel the same so blogging seemed like a worthy hobby. I hope you take up blogging, I’d love to see what you write!

  2. When you told me I could relate to your journey as well you weren’t kidding! I finally sat down and really read some of the things you have been saying and it is all too true! This thought that college and our 20s are “the best years of our life” puts so much pressure on us to “live it up” so to say, but is that really what it’s all about?
    Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading more!
    xo,
    Kate

    • I’m so glad you can relate! That really makes every part of blogging worth it. I love reading your posts, I’m excited to read more as well!

  3. I feel like every word in that spiel above is something I’ve said at one point or another in my life! I look forward to reading more posts from you – it’s great to know that I’m not alone as I go through “the 20s” [:

    • I feel as though ‘twenty-somethings’ is almost an epademic. I’m amazed at how many people can relate but it makes the purpose of blogging all worth it. Thank you for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed the rest!

  4. I followed your comment from my blog to yours and I am so happy I did. When people say “yeah, I get you, look at my blog”, most of the time I stumble upon something I cannot relate to, a ‘down-the-rabbit-hole’ feeling if you will. But your blog feels like I found the Polo to my Marco. Great job. Your writing is so honest and endearing I can’t wait to read more!

    • Thank you so much! I can tell from reading people’s blogs pretty early on if I think they can relate to my story and content. I wouldn’t bore someone who would have no interest in it but thank you for taking a chance and reading! I hope you’ve enjoyed the rest of the blog.

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  6. Wow, yup, this about sums up what I’m going through. The sad part is what they do tell us is all about enjoying the “best years of our lives” while not properly explaining why they are or should be the best. Very insightful! P.S. thanks for commenting on my blog :)

    • Thank you! I absolutely agree. What is so great about these years? I suppose they could be talking about our new found independence/life but that’s more overwhelming then anything.

  7. I can relate completely to all of that. I am still in the phase of “where do I go, what do I do from here?” Thanks for putting what I feel into the words I can’t!

  8. In so many ways we would have been kindred spirits when I was 22. Thanks for writing so honestly. It’s good to see how much depth of thought others have at such a “young” age :) Just remember, age really is just a number. Seems like you are wise beyond your years.

  9. I haven’t hit my twenties yet, but I have made some great friends who have stuck with me through good and bad times. I guess the ordeal after college will come later for me, but for now, I’m just trying to enjoy the start of it now.
    And your family sounds so much like mine!

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. :)
    Thanks for checking my blog out!

    • To ones replying they haven’t hit this, I say just please don’t go spending the money that college pumps you up to think you’ll have once you graduate. To the few lucky ones, it does to let’s say out of 5 of my friends only 1 got a job out of college that happened to be related to her field of study! The rest of us a year or two. Some of us never!

      To original blogger, young and twenty, this is great!! They should teach a more real world mandatory class your senior year. I’m about to hit thirties, honestly can say I am happy to be leaving 20s, you finally learning how to let go, be yourself…but that’s what 20s are for. So I’m not saying don’t enjoy them-they honestly make you truly who you are! I look forward to reading more of your blogs, you write beautifully. One thing I wish I had learned in college!

      • Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your experience. Post grad is a challenge, it’d be nice if society could start working in our favour. I hope you read more from my blog and please feel free to share more of your perspectives!

  10. This is ridiculously on point with how I am feeling exactly at this moment right now. Thank you so much for sharing. I love what you said: “Needless to say, the hangover lasted longer then expected and was not followed by a call from my future husband or employer. In fact, my life was the same – if not worse. I spent my days convincing myself that things would change, despite having no desire to make them happen. My motivation was short lived and I resumed living the life I always had, as a lost and confused teenager.” That. Is. Me. Thank you for helping me realize that I am not alone in this. XO, Rachel

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I could’ve never imaged how many people would be able to relate when I first wrote this but hopefully we’ll all be able to come out of these confusing times on top.

  11. Beautifully written! Our 20’s are a young and confusing time, no doubt about it. Seriously have had some of the exact same thoughts since finishing college. Thanks for checking out my blog! & can’t wait to read more of yours!

    • Thank you for taking the time to check out my blog. It’s amazing how many people can relate to my story, I’m so glad I finally shared it. I look forward to reading more from you!

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  13. <3 this was wonderful to read, and not in a HA we can share our moping of the twenties years, but just to see and connect that this happens to others so surely we can get through it. And then hunt down all those grown ups who hid the truth from us :) Thank you for sharing. xoxo

  14. I absolutely adore this blog. As a new “twenty-something” blogger, you have hit the nail on the head about what life is currently. I look forward to reading more!!

    • It’s taken a long time to get here but I’m a little comforted by the outlook I’ve gained thus far. Looking forward to continuing this journey. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment :)

  15. As many before me have stated, I can totally relate and thank you for suggesting I take a look at your blog! There’s a something so comforting knowing that it’s really not just my friends and I feeling lost and stuck on the notion that these 10 years are supposed to be the best we will have. I look forward to reading more!

    • It literally took me making this blog to realize I’m not alone in this (or my friends). It’s overwhelming to see how many people can relate but hopefully we can look back in ten years or so, having found our way. Thank you for taking the time to check out my blog!

  16. I am glad you found me and I found you! Your writing is just so great, and I feel like some of the posts really resonate. I look forward to reading even more from you and your thoughts on your journey.

    • I’m so glad you’re able to find my posts relateable. I know how powerful it can be to find something that matches how you’re feeling. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog!

  17. I don’t know how many precede me in this thought, but I followed the comment you left on my sapling of a blog and I was blown away by where it lead me. I, just starting my twenties, already found you relatable, and was inspired by how raw and real this page was. I hope my blog can someday be half as good as yours!

    • I’m so glad you took the time to check out my blog, thank you! I’ve found that people not yet in their twenties or even years past have found things to relate to so it’s great to hear that you have too. I’ve found blogging to be a lot of work, I put a lot of time into it but let me know if you ever have questions!

  18. I think I just breathed a huge sigh of relief in reading this. It is pretty much my life- so relatable! Well written and crafted in such a way that I couldn’t tear my eyes from this post until I was finished reading it. It really is nice to know I’m not alone. Keep up the great work, and I’m very much looking forward to your future posts.

    • Thank you so much! It’s truly amazing to see how many people can relate to feelings that once made me feel so alone. I hope you’ve found more posts to relate to, feel free to share your opinion on any of them :)

  19. Stumbled across this- I feel the exact same way currently. Striving every day to feel purposeful, while not imploding from the slap of reality after graduation. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t the only one!

    • It sounds so cliché to need ‘purpose’ but it’s amazing how much control that’s had over my life this past year especially. Glad you stumbled across the blog, hope you can find more to relate to! Thank you for reading and sharing :)

  20. As a fellow 20something and somewhat recent grad, I can definitely relate a lot to your situation. I really like the blog so far and I look forward to reading more!

  21. I can definitely relate to your experience. High school was my college “experience”‘. I have taken several jobs out of desperation to help pay the bills. I will say the Americorps organization was the bestwork I had ever done. Working through the organization taught me a lot about myself and life. If you’re ever in need of change, check it out. I believe they also have better opportunities for college graduates.

    • Thank you! It’s always great to hear people can relate. I don’t know if that would be the right path for me but it’s great to hear that you found something to give you change and point you in the right direction. It sounds like we all have a place we’re meant to end up, it just takes awhile to get there.

  22. Sounds like the crisis I went through and finally made it out at 28. Broke down at 25 and 3 years later moved out, set some goals and slowly inching forward towards what??? Towards me and crafting a life that suits my nature. Life is a hell of a thing. All the best.

    • I almost think it’s a requirement to have a ‘breakdown’ in our twenties to redirect us the way we’re meant to be. You’re not alone as I’ve found I’m not either. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you continue to find your place in this world!

  23. Wow, that was very powerful. It definitely makes me step back and evaluate my life and my future after college. I can say without a doubt that while I may not be in your position, I understand what you’re going through. The future scares me to death, but it’s a relief knowing we aren’t alone in our fears.

    • Thank you for taking the time to not only read, but comment! It’s amazing how many people can understand what I’m going through whether they’re younger then me or older. Hopefully you’ll keep blogging and I can one day read what your life has a post grad is like.

    • Absolutely! I’ve written a post about how graduation is when we have so much to do, yet we live to believe we should already be done it. It’s a definite learning process. Thank you for commenting, hope you can relate to more :)

  24. “No one told me I’d crave the school hallway, the sense of routine, the day old routine gravy.”
    I will be sure to remember to let my kids know :)
    Love the insight, and the honesty is so refreshing here. Keep up the great work.-Loretta.

  25. These comments are painful (also hope-filled) to read–so much loneliness among the twenties. You’ve found a wonderful audience. Maybe they found you, too! I relate deeply to loneliness and to the lack of safe people I could talk with when I was in my twenties. I needed people who wouldn’t try to change me, and wouldn’t trivialize what I felt or what I was going through.
    Elouise

    • It’s painful yet bittersweet when you realize the chances of these twenty-something’s coming out on top! My struggles built a stronger character and I hope that’s what others can find here. I agree with your comment on the type of people you needed in your life. That’s very important. Thank you for sharing!

  26. I remember 23 well and the feelings that went with it. Such an ironic kick in the guts to realize you never enjoy the “best years of your life” until you look back with nostalgia. I’m 31 now and life has taken some interesting turns. I’m seeing the same happen for my friends. I wish I could go back and enjoy my twenties for what they were and the lack of serious responsibility. But of course that’s futile. Anyway, judging by what a talented writer you already are and how many people who feel you speak a voice they can recognize, I think it’s safe to say good things are in your future. Happy to have stumbled across your blog. Thanks for stopping by mine.

    • I love hearing from people in their twenties, but it’s also extremely interesting to hear from people with the ability to look back with hindsight. I appreciate you sharing, and leaving such encouragement about my writing and future. It’s surprising that you consider the twenties a time of little responsibility because I see it to be opposite! Maybe that’s proof I’m expecting to much of myself and these years. Looking forward to reading more from you :)

      • In my twenties, I was responsible for myself. Period. I had no mortgage, no children, a job that I knew I could do without too much stress. Now I have a daughter with special needs, and no partner! I have friends whose health is suddenly throwing up problems and others whose parents have died suddenly. In retrospect my twenties seemed like a golden age! But I know when you are in it, it’s different. I remember when I was about your age being stressed that I hadn’t written a book yet. I thought by the time I was 30 I would have at least done that. I’m 31, no book. But one potentially in the pipeline. I guess there’s a balance between putting pressure on yourself, but also letting things happen? But don’t take advice from me, I’m no life guru!

  27. I am just getting into blogging and just from reading your back story and the comments left by others, it is reassuring that so many people are dealing with the same kind of stuff as me. In the long run we will all probably look back at our twenties and rave about how great it was, but right now, boy is it scary! I’m glad I found your blog and I look forward to reading more!

    • Blogging’s a great thing to take on! What made you decide to begin? I’m almost positive we’ll look back and laugh at our twenties, just like we do our teen years, yet it’s so hard to believe that now! Thank you for sharing :) I hope to hear your opinions on future posts.

      • I took on blogging partly as something to throw myself in to and commit to. At the moment I felt I needed something to dedicate my time to, and it is a fun release. Gives me a space to harp on about how great my favourite book is! And yeah definitely, I will be keeping up with your blog.

  28. I feel almost exactly the same way, save I’ve hit the crisis a few years earlier. Every year of high school would go by, exclusion and the suffocating cultural norms turning me even more bitter towards the system. And yet with each new hardship, I’d look back on my previous “glory days” with nostalgia, blowing up those dreary days into paradise compared to my current lot. College has not brought liberation, but merely the same doll drums I fought four years to escape. All that I have to show for “the best days of our lives” is a mix of cynicism and cultural apathy. Why fight when it’s just easier to accept? I suppose there’s nothing for it but to pick ourselves up and find a cause worth fighting for, worth breaking the bonds that are norms.

    • I love this! So relatable and so well put. I appreciate you sharing :) Especially about being nostalgic for something you once considered to be, simply survivable. I hope to hear your unique opinions on future posts.

  29. Well, youngandtwenty, it’s been many years since I’ve been where you are now, so just let me say, it does get better from here. It sounds like you’ve already made progress. Writing it all down in a blog like this will also help you as you see that others have had similar experiences and feelings. I’m looking forward to reading more.

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