silence means forgotten.

It’ll be a simple, straight forward text, what’s up?

My thumb will hover over letters on the keyboard, aching to tell you about my insecurities, my deepest fears. I’ll backspace the lines I wrote, flustered about the things that kept me up at night. I wish I could respond, filling your phone with my failed childhood dreams and my too ambitious goals. I wish I could tell you about the music I play on repeat, the poetry I recite in my mind, the things that make me cry, every time I watch the news.

Instead, our conversations are full of empty words.There’s beauty in silence I wish we could find, but for now, silence means forgotten so I’ll wait for your texts. My stomach will toss and will turn. I’ll take a deep breath and respond, not much, you?

we wait for the letters.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 2.07.17 AMDon’t fall in love. You’ll analyze every word they say and the speed in which they text. You’ll stay up late wondering where they are and you’ll go to sleep crying, the night’s they’re not by your side. You’ll let your stomach knot, when you feel them drift away and you’ll let your idea of love, stand in your way of loving.

For the definition of love has mislead us to think, if it’s not dancing in the rain, it’s not love at all. So we wait for the letters, and the Cinderella  proposals. We wait, and we wait, and we cry.

So, don’t fall in love with the wrong person, for the right one will never make you wait. Never make you wonder. Life isn’t about someone, it’s about the right one. It’s about silence that feels right, and love that feels easy. It’s about nights alone, knowing they’ll be back and once they’re back, it’s knowing they’ll stay.

so you’ll leave.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.35.14 PMYou’ll bite your lip and smile, muttering that’s my girl, beneath the rasp of your voice. You’ll text me until I fall asleep, figuring out the sticks and stones I’m made of.

I’ll start to fill with hopeless emotions, making breakfast in the comfort of your big, flannel shirt. I’ll show up with a naked face and send careless texts of the pizza I ate for lunch.

I’ll take steps towards you with clouds beneath my feet.

To be with a girl that’s comfortable is to be standing at the edge of a cliff, having the power to push her off with the mere air in your words. Some guys will let her climb down while the ones free of guilt will push her, with no intention of being at the bottom.

And so, you’ll leave, because you can’t stand breaking my heart like the ones who stay.

we met by mistake.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.50.46 PMWe met by mistake. Just a passing conversation after a night at the bar. I resisted the walk home, the drunken conversation seeping with confessions, the sincerity in your voice as you asked, will I see you again? I eventually gave in, unaware of my misstep into the rabbit hole, mistaking attention for affection.

It didn’t take long for things to play out and you to back out.

Our relationship became toxic and played out as comfortable repetition. We started to mindlessly speak. We spat empty threats and clenched angry fists is the most frustrating arguments. With you came a sense of desperation. It started with me screaming my bottled up feelings and it ended with you, and your dumbfound look. I refused to walk away without a goodbye. Without telling you about the chaos in my mind. Without convincing you my insanity went away when you did. You never gave me the chance. You never let me speak. You taught me the unsettling truth that we can’t get closure. We must live with our words left unsaid.

we watched it burn to ashes.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.58.05 PMIt’s the kind of pain we didn’t know love had to offer. The kind of love we hate to admit, for the times we saw the destruction, when the pain wasn’t worth the reward, we didn’t put the fire out. Instead, we watched it burn to ashes in a regretful fall out.

When the fall out happened and bitter resentment was strong, your jokes were at me, not to me. You didn’t pick up when I called. You brushed off my problems, my pleas, my maybe I was wrong. I live to wonder if you were worth settling for, but without you I’ll never know. Without you I can’t help but think, the burn from the flame was better then the ashes of us.

the whisper of a compliment.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 10.03.19 PMI’m sorry you got caught in the wrath of a troubled, self-destructive girl. I’m sorry you were the one to grab my hand, just as I was falling off the edge. You marked my insecurities and took advantage of my unhealthy habits. You knew how I cringed at the whisper of a compliment. I lost comfort when your hands reached for mine and I surrendered my ability to defend myself, time after time. You used my moments of weakness against me. Insisting I was the reason we would never work. It’s a relief you’re behind me. I know I didn’t lose my prince charming. In our fairytale, you were the Jester and I was simply the joke.

sorrow of a lonely bird.

Heartbreak is the sorrow of a lonely bird. The crumbling of an expired cake. The nostalgia of a top 40 song. It’s the chilling feeling that you’re doing everything wrong. That this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the disbelief, the regret, the wish for once more chance. But how many times can you let the same person defeat you? You sacrifice your self-worth because you settle, and you accept. You continue to look his way. You disregard the eyes of affection, the genuine people who come up, the ones who can rewrite your pain. They’re begging for your time and attention like you’re begging for his.

I would blame you.

I wish I could blame you for the mess I’ve become. I would blame you for the times I laid on my cold, wooden floors. Curled in a ball with crippling thoughts. I would blame you for the nine a.m’s you made me miss, the days in bed you made me have. For the hours spent wishing I was someone else. The time I spent hidden beneath who I am.

I would blame you for the times I believed your lies. The times you pulled me close and kissed my forehead, promising a future in us. For showing me a sadness I didn’t know possible. A sadness I didn’t know how to survive.

I would blame you because I could forgive you before I ever forgave myself.

an end to your doubts.

They say dating’s a numbers game, leaving no hope for the girl that can’t settle. You see something you want, you forfeit your emotions and more often then not, you get nothing in return. It’s not your fault you’re holding out, waiting for someone worth loving, waiting for someone willing to figure out your connect the dots.

It’s always been this way. You’re always steps ahead of yourself. You know the answer before you even ask the question. You know your ideal life and when people don’t fit into it, or they take it from your control, you don’t change your plan – you change them. To you, people are a puzzle piece and you won’t accept anyone that doesn’t complete your big picture.

Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cut your dreams short. Don’t let go of your overall. One day someone will put an end to your doubts. One day you will look into someone’s eyes and see where you stand with them and the thought of standing alone will never again make sense.

old habits.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 10.11.45 PMHe bought me fries and beer; you bought me a three-course dinner.

He showed me his parents’ basement; you showed me the city skyline.

He told me about his night with the bros; you asked me about my day at work.

He made me walk home, alone at 4 am; you walked me to my door.

And when you took me home; released my hand and said goodnight, I couldn’t keep a smile off my face. And wearing the same grin you gave me, and reliving the night we had, I picked up my phone, and told him I missed him.

Too often do old habits defeat happiness.