Category Archives: Lust You

we met by mistake.

We met by mistake. Just a passing conversation after a night at the bar. I resisted the walk home, the drunken conversation seeping with confessions, the sincerity in your voice as you asked, will I see you again? I eventually gave in, unaware of my misstep into the rabbit hole, mistaking attention for affection.

It didn’t take long for things to play out and you to back out.

Our relationship became toxic and played out as comfortable repetition. We started to mindlessly speak. We spat empty threats and clenched angry fists is the most frustrating arguments. With you came a sense of desperation. It started with me screaming my bottled up feelings and it ended with you, and your dumbfound look. I refused to walk away without a goodbye. Without telling you about the chaos in my mind. Without convincing you my insanity went away when you did. You never gave me the chance. You never let me speak. You taught me the unsettling truth that we can’t get closure. We must live with our words left unsaid.

we watched it burn to ashes.

It’s the kind of pain we didn’t know love had to offer. The kind of love we hate to admit, for the times we saw the destruction, when the pain wasn’t worth the reward, we didn’t put the fire out. Instead, we watched it burn to ashes in a regretful fall out.

When the fall out happened and bitter resentment was strong, your jokes were at me, not to me. You didn’t pick up when I called. You brushed off my problems, my pleas, my maybe I was wrong. I live to wonder if you were worth settling for, but without you I’ll never know. Without you I can’t help but think, the burn from the flame was better then the ashes of us.

the whisper of a compliment.

I’m sorry you got caught in the wrath of a troubled, self-destructive girl. I’m sorry you were the one to grab my hand, just as I was falling off the edge. You marked my insecurities and took advantage of my unhealthy habits. You knew how I cringed at the whisper of a compliment. I lost comfort when your hands reached for mine and I surrendered my ability to defend myself, time after time. You used my moments of weakness against me. Insisting I was the reason we would never work. It’s a relief you’re behind me. I know I didn’t lose my prince charming. In our fairytale, you were the Jester and I was simply the joke.

sorrow of a lonely bird.

Heartbreak is the sorrow of a lonely bird. The crumbling of an expired cake. The nostalgia of a top 40 song. It’s the chilling feeling that you’re doing everything wrong. That this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the disbelief, the regret, the wish for once more chance. But how many times can you let the same person defeat you? You sacrifice your self-worth because you settle, and you accept. You continue to look his way. You disregard the eyes of affection, the genuine people who come up, the ones who can rewrite your pain. They’re begging for your time and attention like you’re begging for his.

I would blame you.

I wish I could blame you for the mess I’ve become. I would blame you for the times I laid on my cold, wooden floors. Curled in a ball with crippling thoughts. I would blame you for the nine a.m’s you made me miss, the days in bed you made me have. For the hours spent wishing I was someone else. The time I spent hidden beneath who I am.

I would blame you for the times I believed your lies. The times you pulled me close and kissed my forehead, promising a future in us. For showing me a sadness I didn’t know possible. A sadness I didn’t know how to survive.

I would blame you because I could forgive you before I ever forgave myself.

an end to your doubts.

They say dating’s a numbers game, leaving no hope for the girl that can’t settle. You see something you want, you forfeit your emotions and more often then not, you get nothing in return. It’s not your fault you’re holding out, waiting for someone worth loving, waiting for someone willing to figure out your connect the dots.

It’s always been this way. You’re always steps ahead of yourself. You know the answer before you even ask the question. You know your ideal life and when people don’t fit into it, or they take it from your control, you don’t change your plan – you change them. To you, people are a puzzle piece and you won’t accept anyone that doesn’t complete your big picture.

Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cut your dreams short. Don’t let go of your overall. One day someone will put an end to your doubts. One day you will look into someone’s eyes and see where you stand with them and the thought of standing alone will never again make sense.

old habits.

He bought me fries and beer; you bought me a three-course dinner.

He showed me his parents’ basement; you showed me the city skyline.

He told me about his night with the bros; you asked me about my day at work.

He made me walk home, alone at 4 am; you walked me to my door.

And when you took me home; released my hand and said goodnight, I couldn’t keep a smile off my face. And wearing the same grin you gave me, and reliving the night we had, I picked up my phone, and told him I missed him.

Too often do old habits defeat happiness.

to admit defeat.

To lose you is to admit defeat to a world that works against us. A world offended by simple love. To lose you is to hate the universe for the happiness it takes to soon. The futures it cuts too short. I offer to lose you time and time again; hoping fate will tire and move on. Turns out fate has those same plans for me.

Fate has no patience. No hesitance. No we’ll see how it goes. No mercy on the love letters or the people who sign them. Fate gives you a box of tools and the hands to use them. Gives you people to love and the hands to hold them.

Fate’s a coincidence that works out. A consequence meant to last. This is the last time I’ll lose you, as I fight an impossible battle but, as fate has promised, this will one day make sense.

just another guy.

Girls will meet you. They’ll shake your hand, learn your name and catch a glimpse of your smile.

But they’ll never know the comfort I get, when my hand is interlocked in yours. They’ll never know the places we’ve been or the stories we’ve told, all while never letting go.

They’ll never know the times I called your name, laughing and yelling as I surrendered to your tickle match. They’ll never know the pain behind the times I dialed your phone, drunk and vulnerable at two a.m.

They’ll never love your smile like I do. Embracing every chance to make you happy. They’ll never hear the jokes you mutter, from your half amused smirk.

To her, you are just another handshake. Another name, another smile.

To her, you are just another guy.

this time could be different.

You wait for someone to come into your life and tell you you’re perfect. Tell you they can’t live without you; you’re always on their mind. But when those feelings are foreign and you hear them with a meaningless ring, you panic.

You can’t believe someone’s pushing your hair back to better look into your eyes. You can’t believe they’re holding your hand, despite your nail biting habit and horribly dry skin. You can’t believe they sacrificed their Saturday night to find the shiny pieces of your shattered self. You can’t believe it, so you don’t. You run from the possibility that this time could be different.