Archives for category: Lust You

youngandtwenty:

THROWBACK THURSDAY.

This is one of the first pieces I wrote that inspired me to write my blog. The feelings have passed and the people I wrote about are forgotten, but it still means a lot to re read.

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Originally posted on Young & Twenty:

Screen shot 2014-09-28 at 1.54.52 AMGirls will meet you. They’ll shake your hand, learn your name and catch a glimpse of your smile.

But they’ll never know the comfort I get, when my hand is interlocked in yours. They’ll never know the places we’ve been or the stories we’ve told, all while never letting go.

They’ll never know the times I called your name, laughing and yelling as I surrendered to your tickle match. They’ll never know the pain behind the times I dialed your phone, drunk and vulnerable at two a.m.

They’ll never love your smile like I do. Embracing every chance to make you happy. They’ll never hear the jokes you mutter, from your half amused smirk.

To her, you are just another handshake. Another name, another smile.

To her, you are just another guy.

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Screen shot 2014-09-30 at 5.37.56 PMSometimes I like that I believed your lies because it meant I thought the best of you. Sometimes I like how hard I tried to make things work, because it meant I was open to the idea of you. Sometimes I like the times things went wrong, because it meant I was willing to fight for you.

It’s bittersweet getting through something with the very person who put you though it, but I’m so glad I did because it meant life hasn’t yet, made me cold to the idea of love. And that’s all because of you.

Screen shot 2014-09-25 at 8.17.42 PMYou were a war I wanted in on and a battle I refused to lose. I fought day after day until I had no fight left and now, I’ve finally surrendered the remains of what was us and walked away with the remains of what is me. I may be bruised and worn down but I am strong and I’m growing.

I thought my life needed you, despite the bad and the worse. I thought heartbreak would kill me and this war could be won. I thought we were in this together until you left me alone and I thought I wasn’t enough, to stand by myself.

It was a struggle to learn, and even harder to accept but I’ve finally learned that love isn’t love, when you’re left fighting against yourself.

Screen shot 2014-09-27 at 9.06.27 PMI wasn’t ready to love you when I met you. There’s nothing you could’ve said, or anything you could’ve done. You gave me time to decide, time to open my arms but I didn’t, because I couldn’t. Our love was lost, our chance was missed. If timing is everything, then time worked against us, and too often I look at the door and hope you’ll walk in, so we can meet again.

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 9.22.50 PMI’m everything you want, even everything you need. We fit into each others lives, into each others arm’s, into the empty space of our bed’s. How can you not want something, so fairytale meant to be? How can you not want you guys are perfect, smiles? How can you not want me?

I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m not the girl who gets flowers to her door. We’re not perfection, but I can promise we’re worth the fight. I can promise a future of certainty, not searching, because to me, we make so much sense. It’s a shame love doesn’t.

Screen shot 2014-09-25 at 8.33.19 PMIt’ll be amazing. You’ll talk about the past. The love loss, the love found. You’ll laugh about the times you stayed out past curfew and the times you outran the cops. You’ll recognize the words that made you weak and the smile that was instant comfort. The doodles left in your yearbook and the pictures you couldn’t delete. You’ll remember the first date, first kiss, first fight.

You’ll remember the last date, last kiss, last fight. The fight you couldn’t overcome. The words you just couldn’t forgive. The happily ever after, you couldn’t wait to escape. You’ll remember why it didn’t work and with that you’ll understand why it never will. You’ll convince yourself you can love them again and again, but one day you’ll learn, love is never the same love, the second time around.

Screen shot 2014-09-28 at 1.47.18 AMIt’ll be a simple, straight forward text, what’s up?

My thumb will hover over letters on the keyboard, aching to tell you about my insecurities, my deepest fears. I’ll backspace the lines I wrote, flustered about the things that kept me up at night. I wish I could respond, filling your phone with my failed childhood dreams and my too ambitious goals. I wish I could tell you about the music I play on repeat, the poetry I recite in my mind, the things that make me cry, every time I watch the news.

Instead, our conversations are full of empty words.There’s beauty in silence I wish we could find, but for now, silence means forgotten so I’ll wait for your texts. My stomach will toss and will turn. I’ll take a deep breath and respond, not much, you?

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 9.03.43 PMDon’t fall in love. You’ll analyze every word they say and the speed in which they text. You’ll stay up late wondering where they are and you’ll go to sleep crying, the night’s they’re not by your side. You’ll let your stomach knot, when you feel them drift away and you’ll let your idea of love, stand in your way of loving.

For the definition of love has mislead us to think, if it’s not dancing in the rain, it’s not love at all. So we wait for the letters, and the Cinderella  proposals. We wait, and we wait, and we cry.

So, don’t fall in love with the wrong person, for the right one will never make you wait. Never make you wonder. Life isn’t about someone, it’s about the right one. It’s about silence that feels right, and love that feels easy. It’s about nights alone, knowing they’ll be back and once they’re back, it’s knowing they’ll stay.

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 6.43.22 PMYou’ll bite your lip and smile, muttering that’s my girl, beneath the rasp of your voice. You’ll text me until I fall asleep, figuring out the sticks and stones I’m made of.

I’ll start to fill with hopeless emotions, making breakfast in the comfort of your big, flannel shirt. I’ll show up with a naked face and send careless texts of the pizza I ate for lunch.

I’ll take steps towards you with clouds beneath my feet.

To be with a girl that’s comfortable is to be standing at the edge of a cliff, having the power to push her off with the mere air in your words. Some guys will let her climb down while the ones free of guilt will push her, with no intention of being at the bottom.

And so, you’ll leave, because you can’t stand breaking my heart like the ones who stay.

Screen shot 2014-09-25 at 8.29.45 PMWe met by mistake. Just a passing conversation after a night at the bar. I resisted the walk home, the drunken conversation seeping with confessions, the sincerity in your voice as you asked, will I see you again? I eventually gave in, unaware of my misstep into the rabbit hole, mistaking attention for affection.

It didn’t take long for things to play out and you to back out.

Our relationship became toxic and played out as comfortable repetition. We started to mindlessly speak. We spat empty threats and clenched angry fists is the most frustrating arguments. With you came a sense of desperation. It started with me screaming my bottled up feelings and it ended with you, and your dumbfound look. I refused to walk away without a goodbye. Without telling you about the chaos in my mind. Without convincing you my insanity went away when you did. You never gave me the chance. You never let me speak. You taught me the unsettling truth that we can’t get closure. We must live with our words left unsaid.

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