To lose you is to admit defeat to a world that works against us. A world offended by simple love. To lose you is to hate the universe for the happiness it takes to soon. The futures it cuts too short. I offer to lose you time and time again; hoping fate will tire and move on. Turns out fate has those same plans for me.
Fate has no patience. No hesitance. No we’ll see how it goes. No mercy on the love letters or the people who sign them. Fate gives you a box of tools and the hands to use them. Gives you people to love and the hands to hold them.
Fate’s a coincidence that works out. A consequence meant to last. This is the last time I’ll lose you, as I fight an impossible battle but as fate has promised, this will one day make sense.
They say dating is a numbers game, leaving no hope for the girl that can’t settle. You see something you want, you forfeit your emotions and more often then not, you get nothing in return. It’s not your fault you’re holding out, waiting for someone worth loving. Waiting for someone willing to figure out your connect the dots.
Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cut your dreams short. Don’t let go of your overall. One day someone will put an end to your doubts. One day you’ll look into someone’s eyes and see where you stand with them and the thought of standing alone will never again make sense.
Too often, we are bonded by time. By the yo-yo of memories we share with a person. We make our mistakes in pen. Forever imprinting ourselves with things we can’t run from, things we can’t forget. Sometimes we stay, long after loves left because the past is comfortable and the past once made sense.
No matter the depth a relationship has fallen, there’s a way to climb out and escape it’s tight grip. There’s new memories to make and new people to make them with, so don’t lose your sense of wonder. Don’t dirty your blank slate with marker and don’t forget how to love, like you never heard his name.
You hold a fascination for all things bad. Bad for you. Bad to you. You fall for the wrong people. You love knowing they have dark thoughts, bad habits and broken personalities hidden beneath their fearless attitudes. You love the intensity of their moods and the honesty in their words. You quickly accept you can’t have simple love. You need someone to fight daemons with you.
In the midst of falling for others flaws, you fall victim to your own. You begin feeding your inner enemy, confusing your mistakes for who you want to be. You look at your life through a tangled web of rope. You hide behind the wrong people and the wrong choices; despite hating the person they make you.
You can’t admit he doesn’t want you. His eyes don’t light up when you walk in the room. Your inbox shows no evidence of him. Your sheets are tangled from your own distress.
You still flinch when you hear his name. The way you wish things were occupy your mind while reality tells a different truth. Your life has plans he’ll never be apart of but you tear yourself apart wishing he were by your side.
Wishing for once in your life, you could be enough. That you could lay beside him on the nights you stay up, full of rage and sorrow. The nights you’re punching pillows. The nights lonely never felt so alone.
I don’t need you to follow me store to store, credit card in hand, because I’m not that type of girl. I don’t need you to cancel your plans when I’m at home alone, because I don’t crave you all the time. I don’t need you to point at the shiniest star and declare it as my own, because I don’t want that kind of love.
I need your arms to keep me warm and your words to keep me company. Your smile, to steal one of my own and your jokes to keep it lit. I need what the poorest man can give and the richest man’s forgotten. The stories cavemen drew and the endings, romantic’s write.
I need the blindsiding creation of effortless love. The kind we spend our lives waiting for. The emotions we never knew we had. For, I’m surrounded by people who need the world while all I need, is you in mine.
It’s the start of a good thing, the start of a love song, the start of a moment meant to last. Because after tonight the stars will dance a little different, and the waves will kiss a little softer and the sun will beam a little brighter.
We’ll share yesterday’s that will change our tomorrow’s. We’ll tell secrets we can’t take back, make memories we can’t forget. Our pasts will be that time, or I remember when. They won’t be right now because right now is us and right now is perfect.
I still fiddle with the locks and check that every window’s closed shut. I tuck my blanket beneath my body and lie in bed with comfort, knowing my feet are protected from harm. My eyes scan the dark room as I search for shadows within my closet and I get chills down my back when I sense the eerie presence that comes around at night.I close my eyes and roll into the space where you use to fit. Where in your arms I felt safe and protected. Where the warmth of your body silenced all that is wrong.
I toss and I turn ’till the early dark hours, until finally I accept that the strangers in the streets can’t compete with the stranger of who I am, just as the monsters in my closet are nothing compared to the monsters in my head.
Sometimes I like that I believed your lies because it meant I thought the best of you. Sometimes I like how hard I tried to make things work, because it meant I was open to the idea of you. Sometimes I like the times things went wrong, because it meant I was willing to fight for you.
It’s bittersweet getting through something with the very person who put you though it, but I’m so glad I did because it meant life hasn’t yet, made me cold to the idea of love. And that’s because of you.
You were a war I wanted in on and a battle I refused to lose. I fought day after day until I had no fight left and now, I’ve surrendered the remains of what was us and walked away with the remains of what is me. I may be bruised and worn down but I am strong and I’m growing.
I thought my life needed you, despite the bad and the worse. I thought heartbreak would kill me and this war could be won. I thought we were in this together until you left me alone and I thought I wasn’t enough, to stand by myself.
It was a struggle to learn, and even harder to accept but I’ve finally learned that love isn’t love, when you’re left fighting against yourself.