who to resent and who to admire.

When someone apologizes for the way they look, the things they say, it means there’s someone in their life, that taught them to be sorry for who they are. Someone taught them to make excuses for their flaws, to justify their presence.

Perhaps that’s why we confuse cocky with confident. We’re torn between who to resent and who to admire. We’re blinded by whose standing tall and whose being held up. For, even the prom queen knows what it’s like to wake up alone. The highest A-lister has felt lonely in a crowd. The most glamorous person has looked at their reflection through tears.

We compare ourselves to those exactly like us. We all have our niche. Our sense of high; giving us happiness in the darkest times as everyone’s goal is to simply survive tomorrow as they did today. Everyone has the right to live without apology and as a result, they will live without regret.

silence means forgotten.

It’ll be a simple, straight forward text, what’s up?

My thumb will hover over letters on the keyboard, aching to tell you about my insecurities, my deepest fears. I’ll backspace the lines I wrote, flustered about the things that kept me up at night. I wish I could respond, filling your phone with my failed childhood dreams and my too ambitious goals. I wish I could tell you about the music I play on repeat, the poetry I recite in my mind, the things that make me cry, every time I watch the news.

Instead, our conversations are full of empty words.There’s beauty in silence I wish we could find, but for now, silence means forgotten so I’ll wait for your texts. My stomach will toss and will turn. I’ll take a deep breath and respond, not much, you?

you could’ve outrun your storm.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 1.51.53 AMThey won’t talk about your money, your fame, your to die for looks. They won’t miss the designer bag you spent three pay checks on or remember what iPhone you currently had.

In fact, they’ll remember the times you gave when you had nothing of your own.

They’ll be selfish. They’ll be hurt. They’ll miss the way you made them smile and the way you made them laugh. They’ll think of words left unsaid over words that you’d once spoken.

They’ll spend the rest of their lives wishing you could’ve outrun your storm. Wishing you left your shoes in the mud and your problems beneath them. Wishing if they had only saw you break, before you let yourself shatter.

dreaming of different.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 1.58.53 AMDon’t skip dinner with friends or pass on a tall glass of wine. Don’t stand in front of the candles on your Birthday cake, wishing for it to be gone and don’t count down the days to Thanksgiving like you count down the calories until you’re ‘full’. Don’t miss your favourite show to run the extra mile and don’t let the seconds in your day, waste away like the numbers on your scale.

I would love my faults if I believed you ever could but for as long as you hold my hand loose and you let your eyes stray, I will understand beauty to be what they want. I will stand in front of my mirror and suck in my stomach. I will flip celebrity magazines and dream of perfection. I will wake up early to hide the things I hate and I will wrestle with myself, when I just can’t be enough.

I will spend the rest of my life dreaming of different and when that day comes, and I finally ‘look’ right, I will look at the floor when he tells me my smile’s pretty. I will argue non stop when he says I’m perfection, because I’ll remember, to you, I wasn’t enough. It’ll  take time and it’ll take hurting to one day realize, life isn’t about how you look. It’s about the person looking at you.

we wait for the letters.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 2.07.17 AMDon’t fall in love. You’ll analyze every word they say and the speed in which they text. You’ll stay up late wondering where they are and you’ll go to sleep crying, the night’s they’re not by your side. You’ll let your stomach knot, when you feel them drift away and you’ll let your idea of love, stand in your way of loving.

For the definition of love has mislead us to think, if it’s not dancing in the rain, it’s not love at all. So we wait for the letters, and the Cinderella  proposals. We wait, and we wait, and we cry.

So, don’t fall in love with the wrong person, for the right one will never make you wait. Never make you wonder. Life isn’t about someone, it’s about the right one. It’s about silence that feels right, and love that feels easy. It’s about nights alone, knowing they’ll be back and once they’re back, it’s knowing they’ll stay.

we tip toe around the truth.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.42.39 PMAnd if one day you lose someone who stepped too soon off the sidewalk, who took a fatal trip, or whose life worked against all odds, do nothing more but appreciate the breaths they took and the life they lived.

We can ask our loved ones to stay indoors, to lock the windows, to lay in blankets. We can ask them to stay in the comfort of a shelter, in protection. We fear we’re not strong enough to handle someone else’s pain so we tip toe around the truth that loss is inevitable and pain is survivable.

No matter the path we take or the speed we go, when it comes down to the crash, our life is in as much jeopardy as everyone else in the car. So, don’t let a day go by without remembering, life is never a question of how they died, it’s a question of how they lived.

about me.

DSC_22101. My name is Jennifer. I am a twenty-three year old girl, living on my own as a post grad. I live in a Lakeshore condo in Toronto, ON with my ten-week-old puppy, Suri.

2. I have been a vegetarian for the past three years after reading the book ‘Eating Animals’, which held nothing back when exposing the truth about slaughterhouses and animal cruelty.

3. Despite being on many week long trips and vacations, I have no desire to travel excessively. I hate packing/unpacking, the travel process, and being in unfamiliar places.

4. I only have one thing on my bucket list, and that’s to swim with sharks.

5. I went to College for Fashion Arts and dropped out after a year and two months. I then took a year off and have since graduated from Media Communications.

6. I can count my amazing friends, the ones who would be there for me no matter what, on two hands. I have known all of them for a minimum for ten years.

7. I am the youngest sibling with an older brother (25) and older sister (27).

8. I would rather stay in on a Friday night with Netflix and a cold beer then go out partying anytime. I partied consistently from age fifteen to twenty-two so I’m fine doing so, knowing I’ve still experienced that lifestyle.

9. The amount of crime shows and documentaries I watch makes me irrational at times but I can’t stop. I am also (oddly) obsessed with watching Dr.Phil.

10. I spent December to June suffering from chronic insomnia and dealing with the backlash of living life with a sleep deprived mind.

just another day.

You waste time convincing yourself you’re at an awkward age. The feelings will pass when the stage does. Everyone goes through it. You remind yourself that every tomorrow is a new day. That means a new promise to be a better person. To do more, to be more, to be happy. Weeks pass and many tomorrows have since come and gone.

Some days your bed is the only comfort you have. Some days your dog is the only companion you need. Some days tomorrow will be an impossible thought. But one day the bad days, will be just another day on the calendar, getting lost in the idea that life’s not all that bad.

dream for better.

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We can’t understand people. We can’t understand why it takes them to lose you to miss you. To hate you to love you. To misunderstand you to get you. We can’t seem to open our eyes and like what we see so we close them tight and dream for better. But more often then not, better never comes, because better is what you have. We’re too quick to let go and too excited to move on. Sometimes the very something we’re moving on from, is the very something we’re looking for.

new puppy.

Sorry for the fewer posts. I got a ten week old puppy Monday night, Suri, and she definitely requires a lot of time and attention. She’s a Maltipoo and although adorable, I’ve found it especially hard to do anything without her. Feel free to give any tips or advice!

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