It’s the kind of pain we didn’t know love had to offer. The kind of love we hate to admit, for the times we saw the destruction and the pain wasn’t worth the reward, we didn’t put the fire out. Instead, we watched it burn to ashes in a regretful fall out.
When the fall out happened and bitter resentment was strong, your jokes were at me, not to me. You didn’t pick up when I called. You brushed off my problems, my pleas, my maybe I was wrong. I live to wonder if you were worth settling for, but without you I’ll never know. Without you I can’t help but wonder if the burn from the flame was better then the ashes of us.
The pictures in your cubical prove that happiness isn’t a paycheck, a Christmas party, or a dress down Friday. Happiness is the grass your family lays on, the yoga lessons you rush to after work, the pizza tradition you cling to, every Friday night. It’s the journal entries you keep at three a.m, the guitar lessons you apologize for ahead of time, the Netflix shows you binge watch on a rainy Sunday morning.
You have a job beyond rush hour and cafeteria lines. You have a job to live effortlessly. A job to live happy.
There’s a way to be rich doing what you love but for as long as you look at fabric lined walls, with lifeless eyes and a painful routine, the pictures in your cubical will remind you of the chances you didn’t take. They will absorb your possibilities. Your wasted potential. They will remind you that you’re there because your heart may speak the loudest but your head plays the safest.
Your childhood blanket that once doubled as a shield withers into threads. The house you grew up in acts as a home for a new family, making memories in place of yours. Your parents are a phone call away but there’s no spot in their bed for you to crawl into. There’s no ice cream in the fridge, served with the promise to make everything better.
But regardless of the cruel world that is adulthood, there is hope. There is reassurance that people amongst us are wearing sincere smiles inspired by the innocence in life. There is love after love; there is life after loss. So don’t lose your youth or you’ll lose your mind, for morning turns to night as our age is wasted in time.
Some people are simply motivation. Your enemy should make you want to be better, your ex should make you want to do better. You need someone to push you on stage despite stage fright. Someone to chase you in threat so you’ll run. Someone to taint your once confidence so you’re driven to get it back.
Don’t say someone never gave you anything because for better or for worse, they gave you a reason to wake up in the morning. As long as you come out stronger, you can’t wish for anything better. So, don’t feel sorry for yourself in hopes that someone else will too.
You don’t want to breakdown because you don’t want to challenge the people around you. You don’t want to see who would be there; you just want to believe they would all be.
You may mean the world to them, but no one’s life stops when yours does. You want them to push you, comfort you, convince you there’s good you can’t see. Maybe they can’t keep telling you things will be okay. They can’t call every lunchtime or skip every dinner. They can’t give you expectations that they’ll always be there because sometimes they won’t be. Sometimes your call will go unanswered. Your mind will be left to wander. You don’t want to breakdown because you know; sometimes the idea of someone has to be enough.
You spend your days left to wonder where you went wrong, what you said in error. The ridiculous regrets that exhaust your mind. If your life has gone wrong and disappointment is constant, realization is the bittersweet battle. You now have the power of hindsight. The ability to use your past to revise your future.
Unfortunately, hindsight stirs anxiety. You over think the things you wish could be over and forgotten about. You think everyone remembers your mistakes without realizing they’re trying to erase their own. It’s an uneasy circle. You must choose to take control of your life or live in a distorted reality. You must never take for granted the power of a second or the power of a second chance.
Sleep has so much control over the well being of our lives, but not enough people remember the last time they got a night of flawless slumber. I’ve struggled with functioning, day-to-day, on a few hours of rest so I started looking for something – anything – to help me. The Internet is full of suggestions and ideas for those desperate to get a few hours of shuteye, but I spent a few months figuring out my own.
1. Atmosphere. Find the atmosphere you like sleeping in. Some people like it cold, some people like hot, some people like the noise of a fan in the background, the list goes on. Try out different combinations and find the temperature and sounds that enhance your sleep condition.
2. Analyze Your Mind. Too many people think relaxation is the key to a good night’s sleep but, if your mind can’t stop racing, don’t lie still and hope you’ll fall into a sleep. Instead, stimulate your mind. Try to count back from 100 by 3’s. This will make your mind work and focus on something other then your thoughts. Even if your mind wanders, bring it back to the task at hand.
3. Quality of Your Bed. We all want our bed to be equivalent to a cloud, yet sleep hygiene is something we often ignore. Wash your sheets regularly, change your pillows once they lose their support and occasionally flip your mattress if required.
4. A Date With Sleep. Pamper yourself and really prepare your body and mind for a goodnight sleep. Have a bath prior using lavender soap. Set flame-less candles around your bedroom, play soft music, turn off the light and carry your relaxed state of mind into a nightlong slumber.
5. Empty Your Mind. Find a planner that works best for you. Find one with a month view, a week view and lines to write additional work. Before going to bed, fill in your schedule accordingly and make to-do lists for the following day or week. Create a grocery list if required and essentially clear your mind of all things that could keep you up.
Do you have any suggestions or ideas that work for you? Please share!
There are days when you find yourself at your lowest. A recluse in your condo and a prisoner of your sweatpants. These days are the struggle. You don’t know if you’re okay or why you feel so hollow. Your eyes don’t say anything but pain and confusion. These days question everything that once was, as the things that use to make your world turn, don’t anymore. Your darkest thoughts start to make sense and you spend your time, just getting by. Yet, on the days you can’t even force a smile, are the days you still feel purpose. It’s not that you don’t want to live. It’s that you’ve forgotten how.
We’re scared of the people who are going to let us down, kill our dreams and cause us pain. We’re scared of real emotions. The weight of heartache and the misery we must tolerate when we can no longer find sense. We runaway from pain and we cheat ourselves from life.
This proves we know so little. We’re cowards hoping to numb rejection. Hoping to endure no more then the sting of a paper cut. There are amazingly painful emotions we must learn to survive. We need to get out of our own way, out of our own mind and see that we’re not alone. We’re surrounded by people who bleed red, whose hands shake, whose voices are laced with fear.
So, embrace the mess you are and the madness in your head. Be so excited you’re scared and so scared you’re excited. Be so afraid your vision blurs and all you see is pain worth feeling.