struggle means success.

DSC_2667Having a puppy has taught me that silence is nice but silence is suspisious. Trouble happens quietly, so we must learn to appreciate the madness in chaos. This is why our mind wanders when the phone doesn’t ring or we chase after babies instead of have a moment to ourselves. So don’t wish for anything easier because struggle means success, and one day, you’ll realize what you want when you realize what you got.

dreaming of different.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 1.58.53 AMDon’t skip dinner with friends or pass on a tall glass of wine. Don’t stand in front of the candles on your Birthday cake, wishing for it to be gone and don’t count down the days to Thanksgiving like you count down the calories until you’re ‘full’. Don’t miss your favourite show to run the extra mile and don’t let the seconds in your day, waste away like the numbers on your scale.

I would love my faults if I believed you ever could but for as long as you hold my hand loose and you let your eyes stray, I will understand beauty to be what they want. I will stand in front of my mirror and suck in my stomach. I will flip celebrity magazines and dream of perfection. I will wake up early to hide the things I hate and I will wrestle with myself, when I just can’t be enough.

I will spend the rest of my life dreaming of different and when that day comes, and I finally ‘look’ right, I will look at the floor when he tells me my smile’s pretty. I will argue non stop when he says I’m perfection, because I’ll remember, to you, I wasn’t enough. It’ll  take time and it’ll take hurting to one day realize, life isn’t about how you look. It’s about the person looking at you.

remembering bionic.

Unfortunately, I lost a very special friend today. He was my first pet of my own and taught me a lot, as anyone who has had a pet can relate too. Writing this goodbye has helped significantly.
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I’ll miss the times you had accidents in places you shouldn’t and the way your ears peered over the couch when I wandered away. I’ll miss the way your legs turned like Bambi’s when you reached the wood floors and your nose never stopped twitching, in your three years of life. I’ll miss the way you slid into the crevasse of the couch and the way you would sit in the rays of the sun. I’ll miss the times you walked around with lettuce on your head and I’ll miss the way you filled the room with sound, as you bounced around your cage. I’ll miss the first time you realized you were too big to fit in your house and the way you were there for me, when I moved out of mine.

I’m drunk on missing you and as high as your hops are in heaven, but I’m thankful to miss because that means that I had and the life that you showed me, the love that I felt, will forever be what I think of, when the crazy world you left me in, lets me stop and think of you.

we tip toe around the truth.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.42.39 PMAnd if one day you lose someone who stepped too soon off the sidewalk, who took a fatal trip, or whose life worked against all odds, do nothing more but appreciate the breaths they took and the life they lived.

We can ask our loved ones to stay indoors, to lock the windows, to lay in blankets. We can ask them to stay in the comfort of a shelter, in protection. We fear we’re not strong enough to handle someone else’s pain so we tip toe around the truth that loss is inevitable and pain is survivable.

No matter the path we take or the speed we go, when it comes down to the crash, our life is in as much jeopardy as everyone else in the car. So, don’t let a day go by without remembering, life is never a question of how they died, it’s a question of how they lived.

about me.

DSC_22101. My name is Jennifer. I am a twenty-three year old girl, living on my own as a post grad. I live in a Lakeshore condo in Toronto, ON with my ten-week-old puppy, Suri.

2. I have been a vegetarian for the past three years after reading the book ‘Eating Animals’, which held nothing back when exposing the truth about slaughterhouses and animal cruelty.

3. Despite being on many week long trips and vacations, I have no desire to travel excessively. I hate packing/unpacking, the travel process, and being in unfamiliar places.

4. I only have one thing on my bucket list, and that’s to swim with sharks.

5. I went to College for Fashion Arts and dropped out after a year and two months. I then took a year off and have since graduated from Media Communications.

6. I can count my amazing friends, the ones who would be there for me no matter what, on two hands. I have known all of them for a minimum for ten years.

7. I am the youngest sibling with an older brother (25) and older sister (27).

8. I would rather stay in on a Friday night with Netflix and a cold beer then go out partying anytime. I partied consistently from age fifteen to twenty-two so I’m fine doing so, knowing I’ve still experienced that lifestyle.

9. The amount of crime shows and documentaries I watch makes me irrational at times but I can’t stop. I am also (oddly) obsessed with watching Dr.Phil.

10. I spent December to June suffering from chronic insomnia and dealing with the backlash of living life with a sleep deprived mind.

the people who have seen the dark.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.49.26 PMIf you heard someone cry would you hug them? If you watched someone trip would you pick them up? If you felt someone die would you save them?

Day after day we can save someones life, we can show them the light, we can share what we know. We should all be so lucky to find someone whose seen the dark for those people know how to shine light when we need it ourselves. But sometimes the people who have seen the dark, leave their problems there.

Sometimes we’re scared of hugging, in fear of them holding too tight. Sometimes we’re scared to pick someone up, in fear they’ll pull us down. Sometimes we’re scared to save someone’s life, in fear we will forfeit our own. And sometimes we’re scared to share the lessons we learned, in fear of turning around. 

we met by mistake.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.50.46 PMWe met by mistake. Just a passing conversation after a night at the bar. I resisted the walk home, the drunken conversation seeping with confessions, the sincerity in your voice as you asked, will I see you again? I eventually gave in, unaware of my misstep into the rabbit hole, mistaking attention for affection.

It didn’t take long for things to play out and you to back out.

Our relationship became toxic and played out as comfortable repetition. We started to mindlessly speak. We spat empty threats and clenched angry fists is the most frustrating arguments. With you came a sense of desperation. It started with me screaming my bottled up feelings and it ended with you, and your dumbfound look. I refused to walk away without a goodbye. Without telling you about the chaos in my mind. Without convincing you my insanity went away when you did. You never gave me the chance. You never let me speak. You taught me the unsettling truth that we can’t get closure. We must live with our words left unsaid.

you feel different.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 10.47.15 PMYou have personality traits you struggle to find in other people. Your witty comments surface as arrogance, leaving others to make false judgment. You have a constant sense of awareness, always keeping tabs on your surroundings and the crowd within it. You can find the escape route, the worst-case scenario or the most convincible reason to leave any situation.

You live in your mind so you’re aware of every word, every breath, every thought that plays pong on the walls of your brain. You fixate over the few things that interest you and are forced to battle the daily struggle of self-betterment. You have a sense of frustration for people whose qualities clash with yours. You lack patience. You lack restraint. You feel different because you are, and how exhausting it is to keep being misunderstood.

the people around you.

You don’t want to breakdown because you don’t want to challenge the people around you. You don’t want to see who would be there; you just want to believe they would all be.

You may mean the world to them, but no one’s life stops when yours does. You want them to push you, comfort you, convince you there’s good you can’t see. Maybe they can’t keep telling you things will be okay. They can’t call every lunchtime or skip every dinner. They can’t give you expectations that they’ll always be there because sometimes they won’t be. Sometimes your call will go unanswered. Your mind will be left to wander. You don’t want to breakdown because you know; sometimes the idea of someone has to be enough.

missing what’s ended.

Nostalgia is a dark future for the past once shined so bright. It’s wishing for the problems you once suffered. Wishing for the hope you once had. It’s missing what’s ended, a sweeping of memories, a reflection in muddy water for it’s not always the truth.

Nostalgia is a slipcover over a discarded couch. The deception of a masquerade mask. The oblivion of a Kindergartener’s journal entry. Things are never what they seem. They’re mislead, unreliable, everything you think you want. You’re nostalgic for the times you spent waiting for right now and in years; you’ll be nostalgic for the good you’re letting yourself miss.