Tag Archives: personal

we tip toe around the truth.

And if one day you lose someone who stepped too soon off the sidewalk, who took a fatal trip, or whose life worked against all odds, do nothing more but appreciate the breaths they took and the life they lived.

We can ask our loved ones to stay indoors, to lock the windows, to lay in blankets. We can ask them to stay in the comfort of a shelter, in protection. We fear we’re not strong enough to handle someone else’s pain so we tip toe around the truth that loss is inevitable and pain is survivable.

No matter the path we take or the speed we go, when it comes down to the crash, our life is in as much jeopardy as everyone else in the car. So, don’t let a day go by without remembering, life is never a question of how they died, it’s a question of how they lived.

about me.

1. My name is Jennifer. I am a twenty-three year old girl, living on my own as a post grad. I live in a Lakeshore condo in Toronto, ON with my ten-week-old puppy, Suri and three-year-old bunny, Bionic.

2. I have been a vegetarian for the past three years after reading the book ‘Eating Animals’, which held nothing back when exposing the truth about slaughterhouses and animal cruelty.

3. Despite being on many week long trips and vacations, I have no desire to travel excessively. I hate packing/unpacking, the travel process, and being in unfamiliar places.

4. I only have one thing on my bucket list, and that’s to swim with sharks.

5. I went to College for Fashion Arts and dropped out after a year and two months. I then took a year off and have since graduated from Media Communications.

6. I can count my amazing friends, the ones who would be there for me no matter what, on two hands. I have known all of them for a minimum for ten years.

7. I am the youngest sibling with an older brother (25) and older sister (27).

8. I would rather stay in on a Friday night with Netflix and a cold beer then go out partying anytime. I partied consistently from age fifteen to twenty-two so I’m fine doing so, knowing I’ve still experienced that lifestyle.

9. The amount of crime shows and documentaries I watch makes me irrational at times but I can’t stop. I am also (oddly) obsessed with watching Dr.Phil.

10. I spent December to June suffering from chronic insomnia and dealing with the backlash of living life with a sleep deprived mind.

the people who have seen the dark.

If you heard someone cry would you hug them? If you watched someone trip would you pick them up? If you felt someone die would you save them?

Day after day we can save someones life, we can show them the light, we can share what we know. We should all be so lucky to find someone whose seen the dark for those people know how to shine light when we need it ourselves. But sometimes the people who have seen the dark, leave their problems there.

Sometimes we’re scared of hugging, in fear of them holding too tight. Sometimes we’re scared to pick someone up, in fear they’ll pull us down. Sometimes we’re scared to save someone’s life, in fear we will forfeit our own. And sometimes we’re scared to share the lessons we learned, in fear of turning around. 

we met by mistake.

We met by mistake. Just a passing conversation after a night at the bar. I resisted the walk home, the drunken conversation seeping with confessions, the sincerity in your voice as you asked, will I see you again? I eventually gave in, unaware of my misstep into the rabbit hole, mistaking attention for affection.

It didn’t take long for things to play out and you to back out.

Our relationship became toxic and played out as comfortable repetition. We started to mindlessly speak. We spat empty threats and clenched angry fists is the most frustrating arguments. With you came a sense of desperation. It started with me screaming my bottled up feelings and it ended with you, and your dumbfound look. I refused to walk away without a goodbye. Without telling you about the chaos in my mind. Without convincing you my insanity went away when you did. You never gave me the chance. You never let me speak. You taught me the unsettling truth that we can’t get closure. We must live with our words left unsaid.

you feel different.

You have personality traits you struggle to find in other people. Your witty comments surface as arrogance, leaving others to make false judgment. You have a constant sense of awareness, always keeping tabs on your surroundings and the crowd within it. You can find the escape route, the worst-case scenario or the most convincible reason to leave any situation.

You live in your mind so you’re aware of every word, every breath, every thought that plays pong on the walls of your brain. You fixate over the few things that interest you and are forced to battle the daily struggle of self-betterment. You have a sense of frustration for people whose qualities clash with yours. You lack patience. You lack restraint. You feel different because you are, and how exhausting it is to keep being misunderstood.

the people around you.

You don’t want to breakdown because you don’t want to challenge the people around you. You don’t want to see who would be there; you just want to believe they would all be.

You may mean the world to them, but no one’s life stops when yours does. You want them to push you, comfort you, convince you there’s good you can’t see. Maybe they can’t keep telling you things will be okay. They can’t call every lunchtime or skip every dinner. They can’t give you expectations that they’ll always be there because sometimes they won’t be. Sometimes your call will go unanswered. Your mind will be left to wander. You don’t want to breakdown because you know; sometimes the idea of someone has to be enough.

missing what’s ended.

Nostalgia is a dark future for the past once shined so bright. It’s wishing for the problems you once suffered. Wishing for the hope you once had. It’s missing what’s ended, a sweeping of memories, a reflection in muddy water for it’s not always the truth.

Nostalgia is a slipcover over a discarded couch. The deception of a masquerade mask. The oblivion of a Kindergartener’s journal entry. Things are never what they seem. They’re mislead, unreliable, everything you think you want. You’re nostalgic for the times you spent waiting for right now and in years; you’ll be nostalgic for the good you’re letting yourself miss.

the mess you are.

You’re scared of the people who are going to let you down, kill your dreams and cause you pain. You’re scared of real emotions. The weight of heartache and the misery we must tolerate when we can no longer find sense. You cheat yourself from life because you’re convinced reality is worth hiding from. Reality is no more then a fire we can’t put out.

This proves you know so little. You’re a coward hoping to numb rejection. Hoping to feel no more then the sting of a paper cut. There are amazingly painful emotions we must learn to survive. You need to get out of your own way, out of your own mind and see you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by people who bleed red, whose hands shake, whose voices are laced with fear. Embrace the mess you are and the madness in your head. Be so excited you’re scared and so scared you’re excited. Be so afraid your vision blurs and all you see is pain worth feeling.

comfort of a plan.

Misery is the image in your head of how things should be. It’s the sense of ideal, the comfort of a plan. It steals the freedom of your mind, as there is only so much uncertainty you can live with. The idea of tomorrow hurts, as you live to believe tomorrow isn’t in your favour.

Misery is temporary. It’s destroyed when acknowledged and when it leaves, it leaves acceptance. It leaves you stronger, it leaves you better. And if it doesn’t, try again. Life isn’t a hit or miss. It isn’t a now or never. So accept the way you wish things were then accept the way things are.

an uneasy circle.

You spend your days left to wonder where you went wrong, what you said in error. The ridiculous regrets that exhaust your mind. If your life has gone wrong and disappointment is constant, realization is the bittersweet battle. You now have the power of hindsight. The ability to use your past to revise your future.

Unfortunately, hindsight stirs anxiety. You over think the things you wish could be over and forgotten about. You think everyone remembers your mistakes without realizing they’re trying to erase their own. It’s an uneasy circle. You must choose to take control of your life or live in a distorted reality. You must never take for granted the power of a second or the power of a second chance.