who to resent and who to admire.

When someone apologizes for the way they look, the things they say, it means there’s someone in their life, that taught them to be sorry for who they are. Someone taught them to make excuses for their flaws, to justify their presence.

Perhaps that’s why we confuse cocky with confident. We’re torn between who to resent and who to admire. We’re blinded by whose standing tall and whose being held up. For, even the prom queen knows what it’s like to wake up alone. The highest A-lister has felt lonely in a crowd. The most glamorous person has looked at their reflection through tears.

We compare ourselves to those exactly like us. We all have our niche. Our sense of high; giving us happiness in the darkest times as everyone’s goal is to simply survive tomorrow as they did today. Everyone has the right to live without apology and as a result, they will live without regret.

silence means forgotten.

It’ll be a simple, straight forward text, what’s up?

My thumb will hover over letters on the keyboard, aching to tell you about my insecurities, my deepest fears. I’ll backspace the lines I wrote, flustered about the things that kept me up at night. I wish I could respond, filling your phone with my failed childhood dreams and my too ambitious goals. I wish I could tell you about the music I play on repeat, the poetry I recite in my mind, the things that make me cry, every time I watch the news.

Instead, our conversations are full of empty words.There’s beauty in silence I wish we could find, but for now, silence means forgotten so I’ll wait for your texts. My stomach will toss and will turn. I’ll take a deep breath and respond, not much, you?

you could’ve outrun your storm.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 1.51.53 AMThey won’t talk about your money, your fame, your to die for looks. They won’t miss the designer bag you spent three pay checks on or remember what iPhone you currently had.

In fact, they’ll remember the times you gave when you had nothing of your own.

They’ll be selfish. They’ll be hurt. They’ll miss the way you made them smile and the way you made them laugh. They’ll think of words left unsaid over words that you’d once spoken.

They’ll spend the rest of their lives wishing you could’ve outrun your storm. Wishing you left your shoes in the mud and your problems beneath them. Wishing if they had only saw you break, before you let yourself shatter.

ten things I wish I knew before college.

When you walk through the doors on your first day of College, don’t be mislead. Don’t think you’re the only one with a colour-coordinated map of your classes, stashed in your pocket. Don’t think you’re the only one on the phone with your childhood friends, giggling about the ‘college boys’ you’re walking amongst. And most importantly, don’t think you’re the only one lost, confused, and so far from your normal.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 1.54.46 PM1. There is a way to balance school and a social life and yes, sometimes it will mean staying in on a Friday night or sleeping in through an 8 a.m. class.

2. There is nothing more scary yet exciting then the freedom that is college. It’s easy to get overwhelmed but a few phone calls home will always keep you grounded.

3. Leaving High School doesn’t mean leaving the ‘popular kids’ and in class cliques. It should however mean you’ve found peace with who you are and where you fit in.

4. It’ll cost more money to pursue a degree you don’t want then to drop out and reconsider your path. On a similar note, there’s a stigma in being ‘lazy’ if you take a year off when it could in fact, be exactly what you need.

5. Despite what we’ve been told, College isn’t the time to ‘discover’ yourself. It’s the time to push your limits and experiment with who you are. Chances are, you won’t find clarity until after you graduate.

6. It’ll take more work and will power, but there is a way to beat the freshman fifteen. On the same note, don’t let that stop you from eating Mac N’ Cheese in the common room at three a.m.

7. There will be a day where you look at your pictures from first year and not remember anyone’s name. Fortunately, those whose names you do remember, have the ability to be life long friends if you let them.

8. There is a balance between your home life and college life. It may take some time to figure this out but learning to maintain all relationships will make things easier when you need relief from either life.

9. There’s a stereotype of poor college students that is not entirely false. Spend the summer prior to build a budget that can withstand your school needs and social needs. You’ll eventually learn that textbooks and alcohol seem to be the biggest money grab.

10. Just like High School, you’ll laugh, cry, and countdown the days until you graduate but don’t let these years pass you by. You will never have an experience like College again so enjoy every minute of it.

struggle means success.

DSC_2667Having a puppy has taught me that silence is nice but silence is suspisious. Trouble happens quietly, so we must learn to appreciate the madness in chaos. This is why our mind wanders when the phone doesn’t ring or we chase after babies instead of have a moment to ourselves. So don’t wish for anything easier because struggle means success, and one day, you’ll realize what you want when you realize what you got.

dreaming of different.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 1.58.53 AMDon’t skip dinner with friends or pass on a tall glass of wine. Don’t stand in front of the candles on your Birthday cake, wishing for it to be gone and don’t count down the days to Thanksgiving like you count down the calories until you’re ‘full’. Don’t miss your favourite show to run the extra mile and don’t let the seconds in your day, waste away like the numbers on your scale.

I would love my faults if I believed you ever could but for as long as you hold my hand loose and you let your eyes stray, I will understand beauty to be what they want. I will stand in front of my mirror and suck in my stomach. I will flip celebrity magazines and dream of perfection. I will wake up early to hide the things I hate and I will wrestle with myself, when I just can’t be enough.

I will spend the rest of my life dreaming of different and when that day comes, and I finally ‘look’ right, I will look at the floor when he tells me my smile’s pretty. I will argue non stop when he says I’m perfection, because I’ll remember, to you, I wasn’t enough. It’ll  take time and it’ll take hurting to one day realize, life isn’t about how you look. It’s about the person looking at you.

remembering bionic.

Unfortunately, I lost a very special friend today. He was my first pet of my own and taught me a lot, as anyone who has had a pet can relate too. Writing this goodbye has helped significantly.
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I’ll miss the times you had accidents in places you shouldn’t and the way your ears peered over the couch when I wandered away. I’ll miss the way your legs turned like Bambi’s when you reached the wood floors and your nose never stopped twitching, in your three years of life. I’ll miss the way you slid into the crevasse of the couch and the way you would sit in the rays of the sun. I’ll miss the times you walked around with lettuce on your head and I’ll miss the way you filled the room with sound, as you bounced around your cage. I’ll miss the first time you realized you were too big to fit in your house and the way you were there for me, when I moved out of mine.

I’m drunk on missing you and as high as your hops are in heaven, but I’m thankful to miss because that means that I had and the life that you showed me, the love that I felt, will forever be what I think of, when the crazy world you left me in, lets me stop and think of you.

we wait for the letters.

Screen shot 2014-08-14 at 2.07.17 AMDon’t fall in love. You’ll analyze every word they say and the speed in which they text. You’ll stay up late wondering where they are and you’ll go to sleep crying, the night’s they’re not by your side. You’ll let your stomach knot, when you feel them drift away and you’ll let your idea of love, stand in your way of loving.

For the definition of love has mislead us to think, if it’s not dancing in the rain, it’s not love at all. So we wait for the letters, and the Cinderella  proposals. We wait, and we wait, and we cry.

So, don’t fall in love with the wrong person, for the right one will never make you wait. Never make you wonder. Life isn’t about someone, it’s about the right one. It’s about silence that feels right, and love that feels easy. It’s about nights alone, knowing they’ll be back and once they’re back, it’s knowing they’ll stay.

so you’ll leave.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.35.14 PMYou’ll bite your lip and smile, muttering that’s my girl, beneath the rasp of your voice. You’ll text me until I fall asleep, figuring out the sticks and stones I’m made of.

I’ll start to fill with hopeless emotions, making breakfast in the comfort of your big, flannel shirt. I’ll show up with a naked face and send careless texts of the pizza I ate for lunch.

I’ll take steps towards you with clouds beneath my feet.

To be with a girl that’s comfortable is to be standing at the edge of a cliff, having the power to push her off with the mere air in your words. Some guys will let her climb down while the ones free of guilt will push her, with no intention of being at the bottom.

And so, you’ll leave, because you can’t stand breaking my heart like the ones who stay.

we tip toe around the truth.

Screen shot 2014-08-17 at 9.42.39 PMAnd if one day you lose someone who stepped too soon off the sidewalk, who took a fatal trip, or whose life worked against all odds, do nothing more but appreciate the breaths they took and the life they lived.

We can ask our loved ones to stay indoors, to lock the windows, to lay in blankets. We can ask them to stay in the comfort of a shelter, in protection. We fear we’re not strong enough to handle someone else’s pain so we tip toe around the truth that loss is inevitable and pain is survivable.

No matter the path we take or the speed we go, when it comes down to the crash, our life is in as much jeopardy as everyone else in the car. So, don’t let a day go by without remembering, life is never a question of how they died, it’s a question of how they lived.